As humans, the need to be in control is a character trait we all have. Especially when it comes to life altering decisions. We exercise control through the choices we make during our lifetime i.e the schools we choose to go to, the job opportunities we take, choosing a life partner, setting up a new business, etc.
Being in control is a biological and desirable human trait. It’s the need to pursue our goals and certain actions to achieve a desired outcome. It gives us a sense of self-confidence and belief in our abilities. (The Origins and Value of the Need for Control by Leotti et al.)
Sometimes this innate desire to be in control of everything can lead us into a state of frustration and anxiety when things don’t go our way. We like to be in control because we’re afraid of what will happen if we let go.
I can’t tell you the number of times over the course of my life, I felt like I needed to take charge and be in control, only for things to fall flat in my face. Through my own mistakes and failures, I learnt that however much we try so hard to fight for or hold on to certain things, they’re just not meant for us to have.
Life will always throw things at you
We often fail to appreciate how peaceful and freeing it is when we’re not trying to control everything around us, especially in this microwave generation. We want things to happen instantaneously. We waste so much time and energy focusing on the superficial things, that we end up driving ourselves into guilt, anxiety and frustration when things don’t go our way.
In life, we’re always going to get things thrown at us. From job loss, to losing a loved one, illness, bankruptcy or even a global pandemic like we are experiencing right now. I don’t mean to make this sound all gloomy, because not everything that happens to us has to be that sad.
There are plenty of amazing things that we get to experience too. Landing that great opportunity that you’ve always dreamed of, relocating to your dream destination, getting your health back on track, etc. I like to believe that we have the power to create more of these wonderful experiences particularly in the way that we react to life situations.
So, what do you do when you’re faced with a situation that you’re completely unprepared for? Just take a look at the current health crisis. The impact it’s had worldwide and people’s reaction to it. Fear, panic, anxiety, the world economy on life support, conspiracy theories (or not), discrimination, and a lot of other random things inbetween.
Sure, there are things in life that happen to us that we can never explain, change or even have the answers to. If we’ve done the best we can in any given situation, then what else is there for us to do but to accept what is and let go. We don’t always have to have the answers to everything.
Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
What happens when you only focus on the things within your control?
Not so long ago, I used to weigh so many of my decisions based on what other people would think of me. To the point that my own sound judgement would be clouded and I would end up in this bubble of confusion with no sense of direction.
For years I repeated this same cycle until only back in 2014 I decided that enough was enough. I quit my then dead-end job and took some time out to think hard about what I really wanted to do with my life and how I wanted to show up as a person.
I started to make decisions that were in my best interest, and not based on my family or friends’ opinions. I started to focus on my wellbeing, adjusting my career to doing work that I enjoyed instead of chasing the money, the people I chose to surround myself with, spending more time outdoors than staring at the screen for hours on end.
Slowly the frustration and confusion started to ease off, because I shut out the outside noise. My energy was now directed towards things that were within my control, focusing on what I wanted out of life and keeping an open mind. Also being fully aware that not everything might go as planned and that was ok.
It’s so easy to let the outside noise in, and if you allow it to, it will start to dictate the way you live your life. The good news is, this is something you can control. You can choose to shut out the opinions, judgements and superficial things that don’t serve you, and focus on the positive things that enable you to achieve your desired outcome in any given situation.
I have listed some examples below of the things that are within your control, and those that aren’t.
Examples of things you can't control
- People’s opinions of you
- The people you work with (if you’re employed)
- Failure
- Natural disasters
- Traffic
- Criticism or judgement from others
- Your personal traits (height, race, gender)
- Your past
- Time
- Death
- Environment
- Other people’s choices
Examples of things you can control
- The people you choose to let into your life
- How much you dwell on your past
- Your mindset
- Your thoughts and actions
- Your attitude and behavior
- How you interpret and react to situations
- The activities you choose to engage in
- Your life choices
- How you manage stressful situations
- How you treat the people around you
- The amount of effort you put into the things you want
This list has been a tremendous help on my personal growth journey and with building my business. Each day comes with its own wins and challenges and it helps to be reassured that at the end of the day, what we decide to pay attention to and focus on is ultimately within our control.
Letting go of the things I can’t change has saved me a lot of time and energy to focus on the things that really matter. However difficult some of my past experiences might have been, I am grateful for the lessons they’ve taught me and moulded me into the person I am today.
Which brings me to my final thoughts.
In any given situation, always do the best you can and let go of the things you can’t change. Dwelling on the past or what you could have done better, will only lead you to feelings of guilt and resentment. And a mind filled with guilt, resentment or fear hardly accomplishes anything of great value. Instead, why not use the lessons you’ve learnt through your life experience to create a better future and new exciting experiences for yourself.
As always, keep winning.
